Scrawling of longing

Picking up the pen

after so long

out of practice

out of tune

tried out the church

for half a year

went once a week

yet hardly did I speak

I wasn't honest with them

about who i really am

i wore a mask

and hid my past

I am not one of them

but i don't really know

all i do know

is i feel so alone

i keep looking for love

but i feel nothing

maybe its just lust

that i need to crush

there is someone

in fact there are a few

potential suitors

it is true

there is one in particular

i have never felt so relaxed

my worries flush away

when she is near

yet i fear i'd screw up

that i'd drive her away

with my deep cynicism

that hides dormant within

I haven't felt love so long

I don't feel it for her

yet i feel a flicker

a flicker of something

but what is that something?

I really want to know

I feel laughter

happiness

joy

peace

yet something is off

I don't know what it is

I can't seem to place it

I just don't feel it

Its frustrating as hell

maybe its my addiction

its getting in the way

maybe if i removed it

i'd feel that certain way