Feelings, mere feelings

What is love
what is lust
which will get
the best of us

its frustrating to untangle thee
to know which is more real
if my intentions are noble
or are just physical

Im not sure if they are separate
these feelings we feel
for someone we desire
that we wish was real

I just know I want you
I feel happy when you are near
I wish to be close to you
and feel what you feel

I wish you would let me in
and let me know what you think
I fear you never will
that you will leave me still

I think you don't know
what you really want
i think you feel obligated
to stick with what you got

I wonder sometimes
if you just want a fling
something with no labels
something with no strings

That makes me sad
I cannot lie
Yet I'm so insecure
I'll give it a try

In the hope that you will let go
of the other love you used to know
and take a chance on me even if it may end
thats a lot to ask, and i understand if you pass

Killed us Slowly

Friendship is dead

Our spirits have died

dopamine highs

are what we strive

Our thoughts are empty

our hearts are numb

physical pleasure

is our treasure

No time is left

to wonder at the stars

to be curious

and filled with awe

every second must be filled

otherwise we take a pill

our thoughts must be confined

otherwise we will find

these distractions killed us slowly

left us dry and lonely

with nobody to share our joy

over our trinkets and toys

Distant Friends

He set foot inside
God's house once again
its been a long time
God said to his friend

Yes it has, not sure why i'm here
I thought maybe you knew
God please enlighten me
I'd like to hear.

You are here not for me.
That much I see.
You think I will get
a pretty lady for thee.

Thats spot on God!
Way to go,
don't worry I will be a good sport,
I'll go with the flow.

What about your principles?
How can you lie?
Deceive yourself and her?
I know that isn't you.

Yes God it isn't.
the truth isn't pretty,
thats why my brain,
is creative and quite willing.

It crafted a decent story.
One in which I cared,
to get to know you Lord,
with my cross to bear.

My motives were not entirely false
I did not go to the same house
I picked a different one Lord
don't you see?

I did see that,
thats good of thee,
maybe in time,
you will respect me.

Lord I know I'm a fool,
that only calls on you in need,
that rejects you when times are good
and cries to you when in pain

But so much about you i don't understand
and you don't do anything to ease my doubts
even doubting Thomas saw the scars
why must you hide as if from mars?

Ah i see you are gone again,
so be it, my divine friend,
i guess i'll get going,
sorry i'm a bad friend.

Happiness

Happiness is not something you achieve
its who you are
you either have it or you don't
its really not that hard

Fortunes wither
glory fades
spouses die
pleasure decays

These may temper that inner dread
that unhappiness you hide
but that will never satisfy
the devil that lives inside

The devil that gnaws at your thoughts
always demanding your time
wanting to smash your skull
and leave you to rot inside

Defeating this devil will unlock the cure
to this unhappiness for sure
to finally feel free
to be content with me

Losing Control

Faster faster faster he rides

trying to outrun his mind

wishing wishing so dearly

for a little time

soon he rides too fast

he loses control

he regrets the past

his being a fool

but he cannot stop

the brakes are broken

so he resists in vain

as the road flees before him

He sees the end

its just over there

he's heading towards it

what terror he feels

yet over there is escape

over there is no more

no more sadness

no more war

Its not the end he wanted

but maybe the one he needs

roller coaster be damned

eternal rest is keen

When nothing comes

I don't know

i want to rhyme

but nothing comes

i wish to empty

this pain inside

onto canvas

and let it dry

so i type and delete

move and retreat

feeling weak

trying to speak

but nothing comes

im lost for words

the ink is dry

unlike my eyes

the tears fall

and form my words

full of meaning

but devoid of form

Sense of Defeat

Everyday I see myself
and i wish it could change
that what i find repulsive
would fly away

But then i must move on
and accept what i see
that I'm not handsome
that I'm just me.

Its hard to accept
the damage done
to deflate my ego
and bow down to the one

that let this happen
that turned away
while my looks withered
and others dismayed

It seems silly I know
that i should care
and sometimes i don't
but other times...
other times...

other times i do
when my heart skips a beat
and i stare into her eyes
then immediately sense
this feeling of defeat
that no matter what i do
no matter what i try
my looks have condemned me
to lose at first sight.

Sick

I'm so sick of getting hurt
of being strung along
wanting to be content
with this life, this song

maybe it wasn't meant to be
the life i live that needs to be free
maybe it needs to end
since i am unable to bend

I am not cutout for life
my sensitive soul
can't handle the strife
its tired of being the fool

I hope those i love will understand
if i choose a different path
i hope they can comprehend
if i end this wrath

i don't wish to be selfish
but life is so miserably
when i think happiness is near
it strikes me and leaves me bear

Its just isn't worth  it
the endless pain
i can't help these feelings
that wish it would all end

The King

Selfishness is king
it rules the whole land
why settle
when he can have it all?

Money, power, sex, fame
it was all his to claim
why be good
when evil wins the game?

Principles be damned
they do no good
survival of the fittest
is the greatest good

Assert your power
embrace your strength
crush those beneath you
Go to any length

Why try to do right
when no one else does?
When those you believe are good
disappoint as they should

They do whats rational
and put themselves above
all the others
they claim to love

The good aren't so different from the bad
though they pretend to be
its a form of power,
their virtue and nobility

Go ahead, justify what you do
I'll be honest and admit
Im in it to win

Lies

He chose to believe his lies
to pretend it was all clear
that if he just tried
happiness was near

But alas he found the truth
as it stabbed him in the back
that he had been duped

time to return from whence he came
to a truth filled with misery
to a life just the same
promising mediocrity

Lies are nice while they last
but eventually subside
just like the sun
to reveal overcast

He swears its the last time
he would believe the lies
but the devil soon whispers
thats the lie of lies

Captive he is
to pursue the fleeting
irresistible it seems
until he's bleeding

The Journey

It was rainy and dark.

I rode my bike down the street.

My heart heavy with regret,

sinking in defeat.

My legs burned but along I rode,

the street stretched out before me,

telling me where to go,

as I made my journey.

The breeze sung softly,

a lovely harmony,

entranced in wonder,

as I beseeched thee.

Please show me the way,

As I go down this road,

which path to take,

as the story unfolds.

Im not sure why I'm here

Why I am as I am

but whatever it is

please make it clear

I will continue this journey

into the misty haze

discovering the beauty

while exploring the maze.

The Drama King

Drama courses through

what can he do

when the mind plays its tricks

and the heart is enraged

when the enemy is within

and attacks your soul 

when you feel empty 

and are the fool

The fight continues

to quiet the mind

to finally have peace

and touch the divine

The war wages on

While he is unsure

if what he does matters

or if he just shatters

He is confused and bewildered

by a life bereft of peace

a heart that needs love

and mind that can't cease

Problems with no Answers

Nobody knows anything

Yet the world goes round

We pretend we know

drowning the world with sound

we pass off legend as truth

we pass of truth as lies

we ignore the facts

that don't surmise

Lets drop the facade

that we got the answers

to solve what is wrong

and prevent the cancer

The crazy fact of life

is that society is a mess

but one that gets by

despite the duress

History unfolds

Lessons never learned

History repeats

people get burned

People demand solutions

and people resist change

yet both are incompatible

maybe we are deranged

Yet the world keeps turning

the people get by

the unthinking masses

believing lies

But they have no choice

for the truth is fleeting

the facts aren't there

and the truth is deceiving 

But no one wants truth

they want to be right

there lies the problem

the problem we must fight

The Walls Within

He put up walls

to hide his heart

his love of poetry

his love of art

He should be vulnerable

He should be real

but then his heart breaks

when he removes the seal

He doesn't know why

its so hard to cry

to let others in

to express whats within

He is really trying

but then relapses

acting stupid

like pugnacious asses

The first time

He wrote a poem

he was mocked

his heart was broken

When everything is a joke

vulnerability isn't needed

one can get by

without being heeded

Its almost a reflex

this impulse inside

to obtain cheap laughs

with stupid gaffes

Then when he's alone

he feels the pain once again

the fact that he is lonely

with no real friends

No one he truly trusts

No one to feel free

to wonder at a sunset

and explore underneath

The surface conversation

that masks what is real

and get to the truth

of how we truly feel

Drops of Rain

Drops of rain falling,
trying to change course,
no point in stalling,
it only makes it worse.

Every drop ends in the ocean,
nothing one can do,
so don't fight the motion,
instead just be you.

Fall with style
as Mr. Lightyear would say
Dance away the time
get ready for your grave

Its the cycle of life
droplets hit the sea
clouds form above
precipitating with glee

Its just part of nature
we are slaves to her will
droplets can't fight gravity
and we can't keep time still

I Need to Say

I know i'm negative all the time
It often feels its by design
but i need an outlet for my feels
it helps me keep myself in line

I know others feel the same
its sad that its this way
but know there is someone there
thats okay with what you say

Know you are not alone
as i try to do
don't let your heart turn to stone
to protect yourself from you

My poems really are not that good
but i write them anyway
I know they'll be misunderstood
they are just words i need to say

Pipe Dreams

Fate has deemed me
to this life i live
to chase pipe dreams
and live in pretend

I kid myself
time and time again
to chase the unattainable
and live the unsustainable

I just want my fair shot
I just want a fair game
but the game is rigged
and I'm insane

No matter what i do or say
in the end it doesn't matter
my destiny decided at birth
to be meaningless matter

There was a Hero Once

He had a hero once,

Never doubting,

larger than life,

sheer astounding.

He trusted him,

and worked hard to impress,

to be in his good graces,

to not be a mess.

He would never cower,

while his hero was near,

He would take the leap,

and overcome his fear.

One day it all changed,

his suspicions were confirmed,

his hero was bogus

he was a sick worm.

How to trust again?

when trust is gone,

when heroes are smashed,

in senseless song

All that is left,

is too pick up the pieces

to move on with life

and remove the leaches

Idealize no one,

accept who they are

try to be good

and don't leave a scar.

The Temple

My mind wrestled with thought

about my internal state

this spiritual drought

that seemed like fate

My brain whirred with questions

Questions I never dared ask

I wondered the unthinkable

and put God to task

I would wander the lake

and drift into its waves

I was rootless with no stake

there was nothing left to save

I voiced out my cries,

to the sky above

while the rain poured down

and i rejected his love

It was always so serene

that beautiful lakeshore

devoid of the trappings

of cultural mores

I worshipped at the altar

of a temple I had built

on a beautiful lakeshore

bereft of guilt

No need to hide my feelings 

from the others everyday

this church only had one member

Lets hope that member stays.

The Hopeless Shill

Torn in two this life I lead
Unsure which path to take
I sit on the fence undecided
Hoping my choice will come by fate

I feel the tug of two different tides
one of upbringing, one by design
Wishing to make war on all i knew
to feel free at last in this stew

Facts and feelings intermingle
muddling my mind
I just want to be objective
to find the truth inside

When will it come to me
I doubt it ever will
I hope God you will have mercy
on me the hopeless shill

Sad Brother

Stop the shit

please lets quit

demonizing the other

we are all brothers

It comes natural

its part of a tribe

to believe we're better

than the other side

But we're the same

all fallible and wrong

just as lame

just as strong

Bridge the divide 

of our empty minds

end the cycle

Before we find

One more reason to hate

to fear the other

or your next

my sad brother.

God

What is God?

Is God the taskmaster?
that beats us for sin
setting us up to fail
daring us to win

Or is God a spectator?
watching a game
laughing at our folly
snickering at our shame

Or is God a scientist?
That designed a maze
us the lab rats
running through a haze

Or is God a child?
a tantrum throwing baby
angry at his toys
while they know he's crazy

Or is God our friend?
That tries to understand
but he speaks a different language
one we can't comprehend

Or is God a riddle?
That we try to solve
the ultimate answer
round which life revolves

Clashing Tides

Life is a torrent ocean

a raging sea

we carve little kingdoms

desiring to be free

But we weren't made

to hide behind walls

to cower and wait

as the waves crash and fall

we desire adventure,

the hunt, the pursuit,

to win the great fight

and prove our might

We spectate at warriors

that put on a show

wishing we were them

why we don't know

The crashing storm

the patriot at war

the call to arms

the need for more

Suits and ties

faking civility

domesticated lies

denying barbarity

The animal inside

must have his way

yet repress him we must

we don't have a say

Darwin

Surrounded by lies all around,

as Darwin plays his game

people pretending to care

but what they want is very clear

People have needs and wants,

so why do we lie?

why do we pretend?

When we all know the game.

The game is to win,

to beat your fellow man

to show him you are better

and lay claim to the prize

Our biology has fated us

to a destiny we didn't choose

to impulses we can't fight

to a lifetime of strife

We signal virtue or vice

out of desire

to elevate ourselves

above our brothers

but we are the same

unwilling to be tamed

wishing to live by reason

but instead are ashamed

For some this doesn't matter

the thought does not cross their mind

i wish only i could be

as ignorant as they

But instead I am a cynic

judging everyone, and myself

by an impossible standard

that reason dictates

but life can't accept.

Nothing I can do

It hurts to see you suffer,
I want to heal you like no other,
but I am not you,
I don't know what to do.

I can't even help myself,
the world spins,
yet I stand still,
unable to comprehend,
or join in on the thrill

The sun sets and rises,
yet to you its all the same,
you can't find joy in life,
all you feel is pain

If the sun stayed put,
would you smile?
If the birds sang your name,
would you giggle?

Why can't you say yes?
Let yourself enjoy life?
While the sun radiates light,
you are stuck in the night.

You plunge deeper into darkness,
and I chase you down,
but nothing I say,
can make you turnaround.

If I don't turn around now,
I might be stuck just like you,
so sorry I must leave,
Please know I love you.