Scrawling of longing

Picking up the pen

after so long

out of practice

out of tune

tried out the church

for half a year

went once a week

yet hardly did I speak

I wasn't honest with them

about who i really am

i wore a mask

and hid my past

I am not one of them

but i don't really know

all i do know

is i feel so alone

i keep looking for love

but i feel nothing

maybe its just lust

that i need to crush

there is someone

in fact there are a few

potential suitors

it is true

there is one in particular

i have never felt so relaxed

my worries flush away

when she is near

yet i fear i'd screw up

that i'd drive her away

with my deep cynicism

that hides dormant within

I haven't felt love so long

I don't feel it for her

yet i feel a flicker

a flicker of something

but what is that something?

I really want to know

I feel laughter

happiness

joy

peace

yet something is off

I don't know what it is

I can't seem to place it

I just don't feel it

Its frustrating as hell

maybe its my addiction

its getting in the way

maybe if i removed it

i'd feel that certain way

Stupid Hope

Hoping for the impossible
Wishing to go back in time
and fix what went wrong
and proceed with our song

Everything you do
I interpret as if you knew
what effect it would have
what feelings it would brew

I just want salvation
to be redeemed
to forget the past
and be set free

Yet you haunt me every night
I try desperately to find
someone else to catch my eye
yet they never feel quite right

D.C. Man

I am now a D.C. Man
if only I had a plan
yet life does not feel full
i feel nothing in my soul

I miss the one that loved me so
that feels like so long ago
I just wish for one more chance
to prove my love will last

Im not sure what to do
these feelings can't come true
I still deeply desire you
I wish I could just get over you

Why can't you love me?
Give me another chance
I promise this time
Our love can last

Maybe its location
Maybe I'm diseased
Maybe you're a victim
that needed to be set free

Moonlit

A spell was cast
that frightful night
as we felt
this sheer delight

No words can tell
just what I feel
but that moment
was so surreal

Your silhouette
glowed so bright
a brilliant hue
of blue light

Entranced I was
by what I saw
but even more
by who you are

As we gazed
speaking no more
yet so much more
I wished to say

But words cannot tell you
what I feel in my heart
I wish you can see
whats inside of me

The way my heart leaps
When you flash your bright smile
and the fond memories
of our economic trials

You are my friend
My companion for life
The one I wish to spend
every moonlit night

Its When...

Its when we solve a problem
Its when we discuss our dreams
Its when you tell me your projects
and your creative schemes

Its when you listen
to my crazy rants
about history
about the past

Its when we share
what we learn in scripture
deep life lessons
a more complete picture

Its when your knight
pins my king
and my bishop
takes your queen

Its when you flash
that beautiful smile
those wide open eyes
my heart runs a mile

I can't wait to go on more adventures
with someone so special
Someone I admire
and will always desire

I turn to You

Insecurity seizes my heart
I try to shove it away
but jealously says id rather not

Its a war i fight everyday
to not envy those i see
and wish i was more like them

I know i should turn to you
the holy divine King
the one who made me
and loves me infinitely

yet somehow i always look elsewhere
somewhere i never turn to you
please forgive me in my ignorance
i now know what i must do

I must learn to be fulfilled
in your infinite embrace
to know i am your child
that you are my saving grace

I reach out to you Lord
to fulfill all my needs
to give me confidence
and to give me peace

The Way

when you are sure you know

when you believe you are

then are confronted with the truth

about your painful scars

You realize your perspective,

is limited at best,

that any knowledge you have,

is second best.

You try to find the truth,

but it evades you all the time,

you question all you knew,

you fear for the first time.

Then you finally settle,

and realize the truths still there,

but that being human,

means its somewhere out there.

It might seem elusive,

it might seem obscure,

but to pursue truth is to pursue God,

and find his precious love.

God give me peace,

to accept what I can't see,

to know there is more to life,

that what little I see.

God reveal to me,

your infinite wisdom and love,

help me accept my limitations,

by relying on your divine love.

I think I feel this inside,

because you put it there,

you put me on a quest,

to understand all the rest.

If anything I finally know,

there is a higher power,

something that guides me,

through this uncertain future.